| I'm so bad at ending years.
I'm sitting in my room completely shell shocked by the weight of what I need to do and all that I wish I could do. It's so ridiculous how something that should be so easy or maybe just so not for different reasons is so hard. Unfortunately, understanding that your emotions are irrational doesn't usually make you feel too much better anyway.
Tomorrow Jonathan and I are going to try to move me back home. I'm nervous.
I wish I could say that summer will be restful but I'll be waking up before 7 AM every weekday and sleeping behind the couch, so it's really a step down. I'm going to miss so many people and I am going to miss dorm life even.
Wish me luck on getting done what needs to be. I love you all. | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment   |
| | Subject: | Whoa | | Time: | 03:32 am |
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| | I had a talk tonight that needed to happen over a year ago. It was really long, but still way shorter than I needed. I hope I don't start coming up with more questions. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | I love waking up early...except I feel nauseous and my joints hurt more. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | Note the channel | | Time: | 03:43 pm | | Current Mood: | amused |
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| 
Okay, so I'm easily amused. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Here's Your Future - The Thermals | | Time: | 09:55 am | | Current Mood: | contemplative |
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| I haven't done this in a while. The Thermals are a really cool band over in Oregon and the few songs of theirs I have are so good. This morning I've been on their site and listening to more stuff. The song "Here's Your Future" I heard for the first time this morning and I think it's one of the coolest things ever.
"Here's Your Future"
God reached his hand down from the sky
He flooded the land then he set it on fire
He said, "Fear me again. Know I'm your father.
Remember that no one can breathe underwater"
So bend your knees and bow your heads
Save your babies, here's your future
Yeah, here's your future
God reached his hand down from the sky
God asked Noah if he wanted to die
He said, "no sir
Oh, no, sir"
God said here's your future
It's gonna rain
So we're packing our things
We're building a boat
Where God will create the new master race
Cause we're so pure
Oh lord, we're so pure
So here's your future
God told his son it's time to come home
I promise you won't have to die all alone
I need you to pay for the sins I create
His son said, "I will but Dad, I'm afraid"
Yeah, so here's your future
Here's your future
Yeah, here's your future
So here's your future
So here's your future
So here's your future | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Time: | 10:21 pm | | Current Mood: | excited |
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| Today is Michael's 16th birthday. Baby brother is growing up so fast. It's also Lauren's birthday! Happy birthday!!!
Lots of work this week...lots of great stuff too.
Last night I was elected president of the Political Science Club and today I was elected president of 1 in 10 and Friends. I am so excited and honored. How cool is this? My mother keeps answering my phone calls "Oh, Madame President!"
I feel like next year will be a really great opportunity and I honestly don't think it will be too stressful if I'm responsible and reasonable. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | jaymay- Gray or Blue | | Current Location: | Train to Franklin | | Subject: | "what's with today today?" | | Time: | 10:07 am | | Current Mood: | amused |
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| So, take the 5:45 to Boston...sleep through porter square...have some T trains not come for twenty minutes...Watch the Franklin 7:40 leave without you.
Wait until 9:20 wearing all black (varying shades) except for your brown (also varying shades) bag, jacket, and shoes. Now, get on said train and have it randomly stall for fifteen to twenty minutes. During this time, make sure two trains come speeding by and actually shake your train to the point where you think the train is going to tip.
So, let's see if I can get my 25 hour pre-prac done...haha.
No matter how unfortunate my transportation has been today, I am in such a good mood. Even if I get to the school and it is mysteriously closed...that's fine. I talked to my mother while waiting for the 9:20 and she sounded so good. Go ahead...shoot me with a flaming arrow or something. Almost nothing can ruin the day when mummers starts feeling better. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | Mum's going to be okay! | | Time: | 05:37 pm | | Current Mood: | ecstatic |
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| My mother had a cold for six weeks. It caused a crazy infection in her body and it ruined her liver. But do you know what? She's going to be fine! She's still in the hospital but she's off the monitors. This is the best feeling ever.
Thank you to everyone who wished her well. I love and am thankful for you all.
In much less awesome news, I should be catching a train after 6 but I really don't feel like being at the house alone. I guess I'm going to just take the 5:45 AM from Fitchburg and the 7:40 to franklin. I'll be late to the school but it shouldn't be an issue. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | Hospital | | Time: | 01:36 pm |
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| My mother just called me...She is going to the ER as soon as my sister gets home. In the last three days she has gained at least 8 pounds. Her stomach is hard and she feels like she is going to explode. Whereas in the past she has decided not to go to the hospital (like when she had an open hole in her hand...twice and when her spleen burst) so this must feel really bad. The doctors told her to go to the hospital immediately but she is waiting for Domi and then hoping to get a ride. If she can't get a ride I'm paying for a taxi from anywhere to get her there.
Hopefully this is nothing big...but if she's been gaining pounds a day and has some of the symptoms she was explaining to me...this is dangerous. It's called a small bowel obstruction and according to wikipedia (haha) it can be fatal if they don't take care of it right away. I hope that this is easily solved...and fast...because Mum's all we really have and it's just her and Domi. Mike will go crazy...his birthday is next week and he wrote a seven page letter to DSS begging them to let him come home. Mum has pretty much no immune system because of her spleen bursting and she has a bleeding disorder so it's really dangerous for her to have surgery. I have no idea what's going to happen.
I'm so scared. | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Location: | dorm | | Subject: | I miss | | Time: | 10:48 pm | | Current Mood: | lonely |
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| Lately, I can't stop but thinking about stuff like this. So, this list is kind of lengthy and negative, but I figure typing it out might be what I need to do so it isn't in my head all of the time.
I miss...
*feeling safe.
*feeling loved on a semi-consistent basis.
*not having to quadruple guess myself on everything I do.
*feeling like my mother's home was my home.
*having a home.
*knowing there was someone who would be there for me at any moment for anything.
*having some idea whether people were being fake to me.
*not being a scape goat.
*feeling comfortable.
*having energy.
*feeling healthy.
*being happy.
*reading my friends page and seeing comments.
*the mandatory “is” on facebook.
*my dad.
*old friends.
*good times.
*stop and shop parking lot conversations from two summers ago.
*OK soda.
*being able to be outside in the sun without pain.
*being tan...I like pale, but I miss tan sometimes.
*how music used to make me feel so much.
*being able to watch and enjoy dramas.
*motivation.
*security.
*being too dumb to know that there's no such thing.
*love.
*that feeling when someone holds you to make things stop hurting and it works.
*potential.
*being understood.
*my mother when she was 29 years old.
*not feeling like I'm a second thought.
*strength.
*capabilities.
*being able to play basketball.
*walking down the stairs and not feeling like I'm going to fall down and die.
*babies.
*how my brothers looked in their suits when we were little and we had to go to fancier occasions.
*liking math.
*not being afraid of girls.
*liking swimming.
*friendship.
*being able to do pull ups.
*sleater-kinney being a band.
*how special coffee tasted when I was “too young” to drink it.
*knowing I'm good.
*hope. | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| "If everyone's a little queer,
Oh, can't she be a little straight?" | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | I've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots. | | Time: | 01:19 am |
|
| "Our youth is fleeting
Old age is just around the bend
And I can't wait to go gray
And I'll sit and wonder
Of every love that could've been
If I'd only thought of something charming to say." | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | Oh man | | Time: | 03:21 pm |
|
| I have been reading a lot of comic books lately. It's a new hobby and an old urge. Jason is amazing and lent me two last night. Superman: Red Son is amazing; I really enjoyed it. I've been going comic book shopping with Ian, Quintin, and a rotation of Matt and Sonya...it's basically a sexual experience.
Lately I've had a hard time being awake. I've been wanting to go to the gym but I haven't had the energy to. I have been constantly feeling like I should drink an energy drink or have some coffee but I haven't had more than usual. Besides, lately when I have them, they do nothing,
Last night I had a bunch of nightmares that were so scary they made me wake up. One of them seems completely unscary but I had this one where the end was someone about to punch me in the face...just as it got to my face, I woke up. My face hurt SOOO much, but I'm basically 95% sure I didn't punch myself, haha. It was the kind of pain you feel when you're imagining what it would feel like for that to happen (like when people talk about getting kneed in the balls), but about five times worse.
I fell down on my way to Mara last night. It happened twice and was very painful. I was so afraid they were going to swell like crazy, but they didn't. On the way back I almost fell down and bent my knees forward...which is never good. God damn snow days on days you don't have classes anyway.
Elvis, the KING of hot dogs has created some new hot dogs...and I am thrilled.
Ian Bee and I need to go to Denny's soon.
I'm not going on a trip this Spring break because people ruined it. This is really upsetting and they will never get it.
I met four of the people who are living in the townhouse with Kim and me next year. We are living in an 8 person townhouse.
Adventure time with Kim and Paul!!! | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | glorious fan | | Current Location: | dorm, herlihy | | Subject: | I'm gonna write you a letter | | Time: | 02:59 am | | Current Mood: | tired |
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| Dear Long Lost (neverwasmy) Mother,
At lunch today I had a casserole. It reminded me of things that you used to make and I missed you terribly. It wouldn't be surprising if I never saw you again and that is a shame.
Sincerely (love),
(Neverreallywas)Your Daughter
Dear Townhouse,
Please go well. Pretty please?
Respectably,
Occupant of the future
Dear Self of Four Years and One Day Ago,
Hahaha, yeah...it really happened.
Take care,
Self when you're in college (yeah, you got in somewhere)
Dear Honor Roll Boy,
You are SO smart and I knew you could do it! Now, keep attending school.
LOVE!
The Older One
Dear Sad and Conflicted,
If I knew what to do to help you put it all back together, I'd be with you right now trying to put back the pieces. I know I can't save everyone, but even keeping you from some pain would be enough.
Adoringly,
Punching Bag
Dear Person, Place, and Thing,
You're all this and more. You're a destination...one I should try to move farther from. I think I understand my connection and it is something along the lines of new pain hurting more because I would understand there is a lot more bad out there.
Cautiously,
Me
Dear Northern Friend,
I'm going to see you tomorrow!
Love,
Cat Potato's Location
Dear NorthernNorthern Friend,
I am sorry you can't have energy drinks anymore. :-(
Love,
Shoes in the Dryer Buddy
Dear Gentleman With the Catchphrases,
Sometimes I'm afraid it seems like I'm mocking you when really I'm just trying to express how cool I think you are.
Apologies,
Girl to the Side
Dear Livejournal,
I just tried to type a typo in you and it came out as "safe." Did you do that or did I?
Confusedly,
ragemorejacko
Dear Bandmate,
We work well together and it really makes me happy because for a while it was awkward and now it seems like everything is so much better.
Rocktastically,
Guitarist
Dear Classmates,
Please don't think I'm as irresponsible as I've been acting lately. I know I've been tardy a lot but I just don't know what's gotten into me.
Studiously,
Not Jackie. NEVER Jackie
Dear Asus EEE,
You are SO cool and I'm SO glad you're mine.
Love,
Owner
Dear Mouse from Last Year,
Whatever happened with you?
Sincerely,
Jacqueline | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | Alternative | | Time: | 11:14 pm |
|
| I'm in the room where it all went down. I'm sitting where my head was for a majority of the time and when I noticed that it had changed to a new day and there were so many other things that I should have been doing. That was an important day. I went home with clear proof of it all. Covered.
Tonight we went to an art gallery and he read me lesbian erotic poetry in front of a crowd. We've decided on three boys and two girls who we will allow to watch R rated movies so long as they have something to offer. They will have no soda until they are much older, fruits and vegetables in their diets, and breakfast always. When we go to the movies as a family, we will dress up. If they want to wear their bathrobe coupled with a spiderman halloween costume to the first day of kindergarten, we are okay with that.
We're not sure exactly when we'll explain sex to them, but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | I hate bullshit sayings. | | Time: | 04:34 pm | | Current Mood: | distressed |
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| | Time heals nothing. Give me an antidote. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
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